When it comes to boundaries I had a long history of not putting them up clearly or at all.
This comes from a history of physical and emotional abuse where/when I was either not able to say no, as my life was in danger, or I wanted to say no but my fear to disappoint or not belong or be loved let me being taken advantage of.
4 years ago I trained with Dr. Betty Martin on the Wheel of consent. And then took another training with her and became certified in this sacred work of consent.
What I discovered is that in order to find our NO (so we can find our clear YES) we have to clear our bodies from layers of trauma, shame, and numbness.
The somatic response when there is a NO voiced by the body is very clear when we are em-bodied, in-bodied. When we are in touch with all our body sensations without being overwhelmed by them.
It also informs us of what might be in the way to be able to voice those NOs. The distance between the body and the vocal cords can be a long walk of many years or decades!
What I thought was a "mind decision", was often an override of my true wisdom, in order to fit in, to please, to be seen, to be loved, to belong.
As I rekindle and re-member myself, the NOs are more clear and easy to express yet the old friends of shame and fear, doubt and uncertainty can still come to visit me. Hello old friends...
If someone pushes hard against a boundary there is a beast waiting that will roar and make itself known. Often there is the old shaking and the old story that arises in the aftermath. The shame. The fear. The grief. All there.
Yet I keep seeing that my somatic wisdom and answer is always the most honest, authentic, and LOVING to myself AND TO OTHERS.
As Brene Brown says you might not like my boundary but one day you will honor the courage it took me to voice it. And in doing so, I open the space for you to be fully authentic, direct, and honest about your YES, your NO, your wants, and your desires.
I don't think there is a better way to say I love you to someone than showing up fully in our NO. Then, and only then, our YES are finally full YES without a doubt, full YES from the depth of my body, to my heart, to my words, to you.
Angell Deer
