This is a hard confession. But sadly true. Despite years of success neither my Ph.D. as a Veterinarian, nor my CEO titles, nor my successful entrepreneur track, ever brought light into my inner-innate beauty. I was always entangled in self-doubt, self-judgment, and a tremendous amount of self-hate.
So what did I do? I pushed harder. On me. And on others. I try to be even more successful. Gain more titles. Be on the board of more and more prestigious organizations. Make more money. Have more friends who could tell me how great I was. Have more girlfriends who could tell me how beautiful I was.
Nothing worked.
The more I was pushing for outer validation, the more I was climbing the corporate & social ladder, the bigger the pain was. The larger the distortion became between the masks I wear and the truth of my inner emptiness.
Like so many. Like so many...
Some of you who knew me 15-20 years ago, knew how this was coming out. Anger, depression, sadness, and a bunch of ways to numb the pain I was experiencing. Many did not know as I was becoming a master at hiding all that pain.
Like so many. Like so many...
I had to fall down hard to start to even see that Light within.
And this is when the wisdom of Nature entered my life. The wisdom of Spirit. Starting by the trees and the plants, and expanding to the rivers, the mountains, the rocks, the bees.
It is when Nature came "to the rescue" with Her perfect reflection to show me my own Nature. It is when I started to understand that I was part of that web of Life. Not only interconnected to it but made of the same beauty, power and wisdom.
It took many years to understand that a beautiful way to see the beauty, power, and wisdom inside of me (inside of all of us) was to connect to the beauty, power, and wisdom of the 4 elements I was made of. Fire, Water, Air, and Earth.
To be honest I really did not understand this quickly nor without sarcasm or denials.
How come a fire could teach me?
How come a river could guide me?
How come the wind could talk to me?
How come the Earth could hold me?
My scientific and Ego mind, layered with 1000s of years of cultural conditioning denying Nature's innate intelligence was hard to shed.
From laughing business and "cartesian" friends & family members, my only way through that was to first be able to deal (and let go) of the understanding and approval of anyone around me. Another deep painful attack to my lack of self-love, my need for validation, and my human attempt to feel more connected to others.
Like so many. Like so many...
So yes I struggled. I struggled really hard for so many years to find my inner beauty. To see my inner power. To even believe in my innate wisdom. Is it over? Most of the time yes. Always? no.
But for sure today, with the understanding and practice of shamanic wisdom nothing has brought me more healing than deepening my connection to Nature, through my Nature, through the teachings of the 4 elements. No workshop, no retreat, no book, no teachers, have revealed to me my own self as today does the Fire, the Water, the Air, and the Earth.
I do not need a tie or a custom-made suit anymore to see my inner beauty. I do not need a beautiful business card to prove to others or myself my inner wisdom. I do not need to stay in a fancy hotel, eat in a fancy restaurant or own any brand to validate my inner power. I could still wear those, eat there, but it does not come anymore from any need of outer validation. I do not even feel any of those needs anymore.
In my latest podcast "Four Directions, Four Elements, Four Prayers", I offer you an introduction to that ancestral practice so you can reconnect to your inner beauty, your inner light, your inner power.
There is no word that can express the depth of wisdom and healing you will access if you dedicate 10 minutes a day to that practice.
In a world that is filled with beauty but also chaos, pain, anxiety, and suffering, building this daily container of sanity is the only way you will build the strong roots and inner calmness that are necessary to face the challenges we, as an individual, and as a collective, we have to face to heal this world. And I do not know better teachers than those billions of years old grandfathers and grandmothers Fire, Water, Wind, and Earth.
I also am fully aware that collective healing won't happen if I, you, we, do not do this self-work. Now. Today. And every day.
Sending you my prayers so I, you, we, go find this beautiful medicine inside. And share it with the world.
Angell Deer / The Sanctuary
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