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Love and broken hearts

I have had my heart broken more times than I can count. And broke someone else heart more time than I ever wished.

I have held space for friends with broken hearts for a few hours and sometimes for many years.

I have come to a place of accepting that my own heart breaks might never be resolved. A scar that has its own life. Bleeding at unexpected moments when I had forgotten that ancient story.

I did pray for those scars to never bleed again and yet a sunset, a smell, a sound, or an old photo, would reopen a wound I thought was sealed.

May be it is in our nature, our wild nature, to be remembered of the preciousness of life in those moments. Of the bitter sweetness of love. Of the unmeasurable infinity of God's presence inside our bodies. A stretch so wide and so deep that nothing can hold it fully. Not my prayers. Not even life as we know it.

I could share in length my broken heart stories but I will for sure fail at sharing the depth of love I experienced. In the presence of love I am voiceless. I sunk in the abyss of infinity, in a world of magic, in a timeless moment.

Here you are Creator. In that infinity. In that void. In those timeless moments. In those beautiful eyes. In the soft touch of that skin. In that addictive smell.

May be you do not want those hearts to fully heal. May be it is your attempt to humble us even more deeply so we can see beyond those words. Beyond any idea of Love we might have.

May be what we have ever known and give was some level of conditional love, never a love that is so free it never trap the lovers, and the heart breaks are your invitation to understand your love, unconditional love.

May be in that space where my fire is raging inside and my waters flowing on my face, some ancient alchemical recipe takes place to prepare us for the grand travel of return to you.

May be it is your attempt for the ultimate embodiment as human. Feeling the losses and pains, the highs and the lows, reminding us of your everlasting and never fading presence.

In those wild places I cannot escape my body. You oblige me to pray. You bring me into the ultimate surrender. I have no power over you, no power over love.

Angell Deer

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