While exploring the portal of my deep pain, I reflect on the long journey of healing I have walked / walking. The journey we are all walking in our own ways.
For the past 15 years thousands of people I met at our Shamanic school, retreats, events, and one-on-one have cracked my heart and nourished my soul. Every encounter leaves a mark, and forever we are in relation.
Always serving and teaching from the place of my own experience, struggles, breakthrough, and the humbling lessons I learned along the way.
My existence went from a deep quest for meaning in my life to an expanded sense of service that is relentless in its calling.
I am spending this week doing my own vision quest into the still-hidden depth of my body. Meeting my newborn self who was separated from my mother at birth, meeting the sexually abused young teenager, meeting the fate of the events that shaped my life in deeper surrender.
My existence, like yours, even if it often can feel like the center of it all in those portals, was never the center as long as we allow the including of the invisible, the non-physical, the archetypes, the guides, and the Creator.
The center is God and we are the seekers searching for that love, in all we are, in all we feel, in all we experience, in often very wide circles around Her. The wider the circles, the deeper the pain, the wildest the wisdom.
It took me years to understand unless I opened my spirit to this place of not knowing and deeper surrender, I will not receive the given grace and perceived miracles of healing. I will not find the center that is beyond the "me" I so desperately try to guard. If I am afraid of the wild in me, I will never meet my true Nature and dissolve the illusion and deep scars of our society.
As I walk this new day, with great self-care, deeper inquiry and more tenderness than ever, I call for my Creator and my soul to give me trust even when in despair. And there I start seeing the magic again of this fragile and temporary life. I even sometimes perceive in the depth of the pain the irony of it all, the wisdom of hopelessness.
But most of all, without any way I can explain this nor find logical meaning at all, I can feel the whispering of the beauty of it all...
"As soon as I say, 'God/The Creator exists', my existence no longer can remain in the center, because the essence of the knowledge of God/Creator reveals my own existence as deriving its total being from his/hers. That is the true conversion experience. I no longer let the knowledge of my own existence be the center from which I derive, project, deduct, or intuit the existence of God/Creator; I suddenly or slowly find my own existence revealed to me in and through the knowledge of God. Then it becomes real for me that I can love myself and my neighbor only because God/Creator has loved me first." Henri J. M. Nouwen
May the invisible gift keep unfolding for each and every one of us, deeply created, and guided by a great (wild) mystery.