A moment of Grace

The bliss of peace seemed too short again
 Before I could rest and recover what they call sanity
 Here was back the self-hatred and the devouring monsters
 of my twisted mind

Back in that familiar place of endless despair
 Where the tighten body and the shorten breath
 Brought me back on my bruised knees accepting the senselessness of it all
 The Earth gently drinking my blood and tears

I know it too well this place of annihilation
 This alive death where Love is a distant memory
 A fading perfume in a windy storm
 Drowning in the thick blackness of the old stories

Will I escape if I even tried?
 Why would I try again knowing there was no escape
 I grasped my teary face with my shaking fist
 Screaming in silence at my pitiful state

Was anything left of me in this shorter breath?
 Maybe just an idea of what could have been
 If only I knew another way
 If only I believed in my broken ways

I could have called for help
 Who will answer such a desperate and insane scream?

So I was calling death with all my pain
 As I knew death was loyal and faithful, always is

But only God answered, by giving me breath for all my shame
 So I had no other way but to pray my way into the darkest night of my broken days

God was smiling at me and my ugly ways
 He told me that my shame and pain was the only way
 Into His love for my broken ways

And so I prayed to love those ways

Until a moment of Grace took it all away

Angell Deer