Despair, I know you too well
When you come with your long shadows on my darkest nights
Trying to suck every living part of my Being with your deadly vampires’ teeth
When my Heart thinks it will not be able to expand again
When my breath becomes so shallow I wonder if She will return
When my eyes become so blurry praying that this was their last tear
The prayer and cry for help were sent but despair tells me it was not heard
That within me there is an endless precipice waiting for my deadly crash
That this storm that has raged my being has created too much damage
What will be left of me if nothing survives?
Will there be tenderness and care in the ashes of the despair?
Will love return when everything else has left?
For a minute I believed your daunting chant
For a minute I gave you the power to destroy me
For a minute I saw you laughing at my pain
I implore you to take me, to take all of me. Destroy me. I beg you. I BEG YOU. End this, now. I cannot bear this pain anymore. I cannot cry anymore. I do not want to fight anymore.
The warrior does not want to rest again, the warrior wants to die.
I surrender my sword, my heart, my life, my soul.
A loud and divine silence came at that moment.
A silent and powerful lightning in my dark sky.
And It is then that I saw.
I saw Her. Her face. Your face my Creator. The face of infinite Love.
I saw the Love that was left in my Heart. I saw the Love you had for me.
A Love so precious, so powerful, so unconditional and so infinite.
The Love of God, patiently waiting to be revealed at the rock bottom of my Breath
I had given up on me, but You had not given up on me Oh Great Spirit.
She said “do you remember me?”, I have been with you for eons
I am your brother, your sister, your father, and your mother
I am the rising sun, the wild forest, the deep ocean
I am your breath, your prayers, your sparkling eyes
I am your fears, your pain, your tears, your brokenness
I am here in everything and everywhere, even in your despair
And then She held my Despair by the hand, starting to Dance with him.
To my surprise, He knew the dance.
I had forgotten They have been dancing together all along.
His face started to melt into Her face. Her face into His.
The separation dissolved until I could only see Her, one powerful Dancer.
And I think it is when, for a second, that I saw my face in Her face. Her face in mine. We cried. We laugh.
We will keep dancing.
We will keep this Love affair going.
Angell Deer
