This is my word, prayer, intention, for 2019. Last year was “REMEMBER”. And looking back I can see the power of this prayer by its unique, yet deep simplicity.
So, I want to share with you something very personal and intimate that happened and that only my close friends know about. As I set this intention in January 2018, I was going to embark on a long Sexual Trauma Practitioner training and Tantric exploration.
The remembering came in June 2018, when during a training and practice session I discovered (I remembered) that I was sexually abused by a few men when I was a child #metoo. The trauma memory was in the depth of my body, hidden from my conscious mind. Needless to say, that the experience was very intense and yet I discovered, in the horror of the trauma, the blessing it brought for my path and my calling.
It allowed me to finally understand so many of my behaviors, from my fear (and anger) towards powerful & strong men, to my capacity to feel an infinite depth of empathy for sexually abused people. I also felt immense gratitude for the close friends who showed up during that time to hold me and realized how essential it was/is in my healing process (as it is for all trauma victims). I felt also that the past 15 years of deep spiritual work, allowed me to be able to hold my trauma in a container of light, of love, and of deep tenderness.
So this year my word is INTIMACY.
Intimacy with my Body. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the armors hide my next level of work. Where the body tensions are the whispering of the pain waiting to be healed and the stories of the past to be revealed. Where my capacity to feel safe can be expanded. Where the expansion of my pleasure is possible. Where my voice, my songs, my dance, can expand into beautiful new lands.
Intimacy with my Emotions. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the scary ghosts of the shadows are hiding. Where my delusions and illusions are express. Where my aliveness comes into rainbow colors. Where my limitations and infinite possibilities of expansions can happen. Where I can break through the learned patterns of reaction and triggers.
Intimacy with my Heart. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the ever-expanding capacity of love can allow me to embrace myself, and the world, with more compassion, less judgment, and more empathy. Where the pain of humanity, and of the suffering Earth, can be witnessed without disempowering me into hopelessness or inactions. Where I can learn to be a better lover, allowing my partner to grow and expand, be fully seen and accepted, in every moment.
Intimacy with my Soul. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the daunting whispering of my mission is waiting to unfold to even greater possibilities. Where the reason of why I came into that incarnation is held so preciously. Where the divine guidance is written. Where the remembering of my karmic stories is deeply imprinted so I can expand beyond my known limits.
Intimacy with the Earth. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the divine mother waits patiently to whisper to us Her infinite wisdom. Where my Soul path, my Heart, and my Body can all come together to dance and sing with Her. Where the land is waiting to guide me into Her willing supporting love. Where all my relations live and share this Home and where I need to continue protecting and healing to more depth.
Intimacy with my all my Relations. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where I can continue learning from the wisdom of my parents, my family, my partner, my friends, my teachers, all my brothers and sisters, the lands, the animals, the trees, the plants, the stones, the waters, the fires, the wind, the ancestors, and all the Spirits. Where I can better understand, feel and embody the prayer of Unity. Where I can get the support and love I need to move through this life. Where I can continue expressing my loving prayers of understanding, support, and unconditional love.
Intimacy with God. As I know it is where all the answers are. Where the true Home is. Where all the wisdom we are seeking is whispered from. Where the most infinite unconditional Love flows from. Where the Gift of my life comes from. Where the daunting question of “who am I?” is sitting right next to the full answer to it.
Intimacy it is. I recognize how vulnerability, and sharing the reality of our trauma, is part of the intimacy process. Being able to be heard, seen, and to allow others to be heard and seen. Only in that space can we create safety, and real true connection, the foundation for deep intimacy. And in a world of global ecological and systems collapse, the only thing that is going to save us, is each other, in deep, honest, emotionally intimate, connections.
I am excited, while a bit scared, of what is held deep down all those areas of exploration. But I do not want to live this life without willingly exploring with courage, humbleness and lots of self-love and self-care, what is hidden in the depth of those oceans.
As I was sharing this prayer with a dear friend, on the last hours of 2018, I was starting to feel the excitement and discomfort of this prayer in my Heart. Holding together its beautiful revelatory power with the uncomfortable truth it might reveal.
Smiling at what we signed up for when we came into this life, the healing of our soul, through darkness and light, with the beautiful rainbow experiences of life.
With much Love to all of you for this New Year,
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