In the past 3 months, the chronic pain I have been suffering from for many years took a difficult turn with almost totally debilitating suffering.
I have not really shared here and only with close friends and some students, but basically, I have had many days each week where I cannot even walk or get out of bed.
The pain is so strong that it takes all energy out of me, draws me in, and made me very isolated from the outside world and others. Very few were able to witness this and descend with me there. It also took my mind into the darkest places I have ever met. Humbling. Deeply humbling.
A dear friend who has been supporting me and went through the same told me "it is very isolating". And yes it was/is. The level of pain is so high most days and pretty much every hour of the day and night that everything simply becomes often impossible. Like lacing your shoes, getting dressed, or even lying down.
The incapacity to do my tending to the land, the most basic gardening activity, and often my work of service, really added a whole level of emotional pain.
I did not share this much as I did not want to be seen as a victim or as complaining but also because we are so often defined by our physical/emotional and mental ailments that it is not what I want to be.
Often we live life as if we will always be healthy, have a functional body and mind, and be able to do whatever we want whenever we want.
As I go through this portal, I am deeply reminded that indeed I am mortal. Indeed my body will age. And indeed I am not immune to unexpected health changes and turn.
It makes every day more precious even if for now it brought me to my knees and I am still navigating the pain body, its meaning for me, the new portals it is opening, and how to potentially live with this and the daunting questions of "what if...".
I am not sharing more publicly for solutions or being defined by this. I am sharing in the spirit of being witnessed standing in this new place.
I have dedicated my life to standing with the pain of "others" and of this Earth, being in service of that healing, and never standing with anyone and defining them by their pain or struggles. Standing in unconditional love for all you are and all I am. The mirror has been turned deeply towards me in unexpected ways.
I am sharing this to remind us that everyone is human. Deeply human. And that the gift of humanity can and will touch all of us. No skills or personal healing gift will shield us. To learn to accept and see this, with immense compassion and care is our greatest gift. Our place of true connection and belonging.
I am sharing also for those living in pain bodies, with unresolved ailments, to know you are not alone. And to humbly feel your tender heart often mixed with probable despair.
I am also sharing to invite me and maybe you here, to not put on the back burner the dreams, projects, and desires you have burning in your heart. Focus today on that flame.
Time is precious. Very precious.
Angell
