I wanted to share a tender testimony on my pain. Despite some better days overall, I am not feeling better. Many days I can't really do anything.
Such a tender space to be brought to a full stop for me. I have never had to stop in my life, and I never really allowed myself to. Running after "what's next" in our lives allows us to temporarily avoid what's calling our attention.
Even more tender and vulnerable as it is the space I have held for so many in the past 15 years. The space of belonging here and now, the space of remembering.
Childhood trauma has a strong grip on the way we relate to the world, to our bodies, and to our lives.
Stopping and relaxing means putting down all the guards and armor. Softening the places that protect the pain. The horror. The grief. The abyss of remembering.
It is mesmerizing to me that somehow, in the places of deep heart brokenness and tenderness, it is where I do my best service. But here and now, I am being asked to go deeper much deeper. It is frightening despite how I have learned and practiced so many skills to do so. So humbling...
Wrapped in the tender white cloth of my guides, ancestors, teachers, and elders, I commit to that new quest. I commit to the exploration. Without knowing where it will lead, what it will look like, when it will end.
Sometimes, often, the strongest medicines are very bitter. What was my prayer again? I remember I asked for wonder... To walk between worlds and to be the bridge.
Often (Always?...) the gate of transformation is hidden behind what we are most afraid of. As I open to new deeper fears, I open to new places of empathy and compassion with your pain, the pain of the world, and the pain of the Earth.
I have committed during my initiation to never bypass, never left a stone unturned, and never hide my humanity.
Trusting that what is shown to the world even when it is so dark is the necessary medicine to heal all there is. Always remembering that even in the darkest places we still shine a very bright light...
Embracing the shame that might come with it, the false old stories of never enough, and the wild experience of being totally naked and still feeling safe and welcome.
I share this in the spirit of telling you that I am not afraid of your darkest places, nor will I ever judge you, nor will I ever want to fix you.
I want us to belong in the full truth of our humanity. In the beauty of its despair and hopes. On that bridge between worlds that seem so far apart and yet are so deeply connected by love.
I pray.
💚
Angell Deer
