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Weaving the Light in our darkest places

I wanted to share a tender testimony on my pain. Despite some better days overall, I am not feeling better. Many days I can't really do anything.


Such a tender space to be brought to a full stop for me. I have never had to stop in my life, and I never really allowed myself to. Running after "what's next" in our lives allows us to temporarily avoid what's calling our attention.


Even more tender and vulnerable as it is the space I have held for so many in the past 15 years. The space of belonging here and now, the space of remembering.


Childhood trauma has a strong grip on the way we relate to the world, to our bodies, and to our lives.


Stopping and relaxing means putting down all the guards and armor. Softening the places that protect the pain. The horror. The grief. The abyss of remembering.


It is mesmerizing to me that somehow, in the places of deep heart brokenness and tenderness, it is where I do my best service. But here and now, I am being asked to go deeper much deeper. It is frightening despite how I have learned and practiced so many skills to do so. So humbling...


Wrapped in the tender white cloth of my guides, ancestors, teachers, and elders, I commit to that new quest. I commit to the exploration. Without knowing where it will lead, what it will look like, when it will end.


Sometimes, often, the strongest medicines are very bitter. What was my prayer again? I remember I asked for wonder... To walk between worlds and to be the bridge.


Often (Always?...) the gate of transformation is hidden behind what we are most afraid of. As I open to new deeper fears, I open to new places of empathy and compassion with your pain, the pain of the world, and the pain of the Earth.


I have committed during my initiation to never bypass, never left a stone unturned, and never hide my humanity.


Trusting that what is shown to the world even when it is so dark is the necessary medicine to heal all there is. Always remembering that even in the darkest places we still shine a very bright light...


Embracing the shame that might come with it, the false old stories of never enough, and the wild experience of being totally naked and still feeling safe and welcome.


I share this in the spirit of telling you that I am not afraid of your darkest places, nor will I ever judge you, nor will I ever want to fix you.


I want us to belong in the full truth of our humanity. In the beauty of its despair and hopes. On that bridge between worlds that seem so far apart and yet are so deeply connected by love.


I pray.


💚


Angell Deer

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K.Michelle Darling
K.Michelle Darling
Dec 04, 2022

Thank you for sharing this placement of yourself into the places that touch deeply and darkly into one’s self. It feels so close to a place where I am finding myself. Last week I sat and started writing and this is a part of what emerged .. “The formulation of a black woman is 10 parts history to one part present-lived experience. I can not unburden the history and lineage of subjugation by wistfully sitting at the feet of charity and goodwill. And yet, to lay down the sword, to not fight, to rest is the deeper calling of my soul. How can I be both? ​​ ​​Resting for a moment is what starts riots, as rest is a privilege granted to what…

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Your thoughts ring a moment of solace to my own. To live with the understanding of out own pain, we become instruments of peace. When we embrace the darkness it allows our inner light to shine past the barriers to light the way for others.

We all need this gentle reminder for each of us on our journey.

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Angell Deer
Angell Deer
Nov 30, 2022
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Thank you 💚🦌💚

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