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Rebirthing the self

This journey has been the most adventurous, difficult, and exalting I have ever undertaken.

Without it, I would have probably stuck and been killed by the violence and conformity of the capitalistic and colonial model of life.

I remember clearly a couple of the tipping points.

One was on stage for the "Entrepreneur of the year" awards in NYC, giving my speech about "success" and realizing it was all a lie as the mask of success I was wearing was hiding a deep inner turmoil, unhappiness, unhealthiness and profound lack of meaning and purpose. A dying soul in a $2K suit.

The other one was stuck for 9 hours in a grounded plane due to a snowstorm and losing it as my privileged expectation of a platinum American Airlines traveler was not honored. I saw in a blink of an eye where this would lead me.

Both, and much more unsettling unavoidable, and loud inner turmoils, led me to start the long and often painful inquiry into who am I. Why am I here? What is life about? What is true happiness? And how to find meaning in my life.

Decades later, I can say that the journey was and is worth it. I can see how the painful layers I had to shed, social connection to change, and new life to be lived were so necessary.

I can see that I was living but was not truly alive. I can see that what I thought had meaning was a golden prison of fear, shame, and society-expected behaviors that were never mine to start with.

I could have never dreamed of my life today. Never see my initiation into the shamanic realms. Never hope to create this place. Never been humbled by such great work of service.

Did it ever become easier? No.

Did I get better at it? Sometimes, yes.

Was it worth it? Oh yes.

As I enter this new calendar year into new realms of internal discovery and understanding of my trauma, neurodiversity, and intimate nature of wild territories I am like a newborn baby fascinated and sometimes scared by the grandiosity of the task at work.

Most of all, I am excited by the renewed dreams of co-creation with Spirit and the never-ending great mystery at play.

I, like you, am a magician.

Let's keep dreaming and manifesting this ceremony that we call life.


Angell Deer

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