I am relearning to walk. To stand. To put on my socks. To sit. To anchor my feet on the ground. To breathe.
After two years of immense pain, as many of you know of my immensely difficult state, and months of not being able to do so many of the basic human activities, my prayer finally got answered.
A "body shaman" looked at me, and without any word exchanged, he told me where my pain was, and where it came from, and in less than 15 minutes, he "made me" pain-free. Spirit came in a final step to ask me if I was sure I wanted to burn it all away. Are you sure it does/did not serve, she said?
In my exhaustion and despair, I was crying for release. For transformation. But then I saw all that I needed to let go of for this miracle to happen. I had to make a sacrifice. A very big sacrifice. So I made it. It will cost me old patterns of behaviors, thinking, and relating.
I wish to say it is a miracle. But that would dismiss the months of deep depression when the pain body took down with it, my mind, my emotions, and my spirit. The despair made me question the necessity of staying alive in such pain-body.
I kept praying, searching, and calling for this moment of Grace. And it came. With immense discipline and ultimately a great act of faith and necessary truth.
In this new body, I need to relearn all simple acts of life. Walking. Standing. Putting on my shoes and socks. Stepping out of bed and even washing my body.
Humbling. Slow. Watching my toes alive and moving like a newborn baby amazes me... This is a truly mystical and embodied experience to be a baby again. A student of life again. A beginner again. Beyond words.
For those who live with chronic pain and ailments, my compassion for you is infinite. My listening has deepened and becomes more authentic. The tools I learned are my gifts to the world. This more than ever tender heart is a blessing to my work of service.
Immense gratitude for this life and those who have gifted me the steps, understanding, and necessary reflection to go through that Rite of passage.
May I keep remembering what this prayer is really about and walk it every day with great discipline, more compassion, more authenticity, and more love.
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